IFFY FICTION

While Ukraine is blasted by Russian munitions, supply chains are disrupted, gas prices surge, and — insert disaster of your choice — the United States faces a more insidious yet equally horrific problem — dated kitchens.

Sheryl Carter, one of the millions of Americans suffering under this plague, says that when she and her husband, Carl, bought their home, they had every intention of renovating.

“It was the only house in our budget at the time,” Carter says. “We said that we would tear out this tile counter top, replace the backsplash with subway tiles, you know, save some money. DIY.”

But, she told us with tears in her eyes, it wasn’t meant to be. “We’ve just been so busy with other things. The kids have their sports. We took them to Florida last year. Carl had to get a new car. It’s just one thing after another.”

The Carters aren’t alone in their plight. We took a recent poll in 23 different suburban areas nationwide — and the results are truly chilling.

Of the 347 households polled, ranging from annual incomes of $110 – $250k, and coming from career backgrounds as diverse as computer programmer, human resources director, software engineer, and marketing, a staggering 57% have kitchens last renovated over 20 years ago, 76% with kitchens over 10 years old. Of the participants, 94% said that they were dissatisfied with their kitchens. The only ones that were either “satisfied” or “somewhat satisfied” also selected “currently undergoing kitchen renovations” or “recently renovated kitchen.”

Christina and Mark Mellinger are part of that unfortunate 94%. Though they updated their kitchen just three years ago, some of the choices they made left the Mellingers dissatisfied.

“It was during the height of the modern farmhouse craze,” Mark Mellinger told us, his jaw clenching. “Subway tile backsplash, rustic wood open-shelving, a fucking barn door. The whole thing.”

Christina Mellinger echoes her husband’s sentiments. “We were just so swept up in the craze.” The Mellingers reported previous satisfaction with their kitchen, until one day when scrolling through Facebook, Christina stumbled upon a group mocking the modern farmhouse style.

“It was a devastating blow,” she reported. “We started planning our next renovation that evening.”

While the epidemic of dated kitchens and dissatisfaction numbers shown in our poll are astonishing, the actual numbers in the U.S. are estimated to be much grimmer. As a basis of reference, as of publication, 2.5 million Ukrainians have fled the Russian attack on Ukraine, abandoning their homes and (most likely) dated kitchens — less than 2% of the 74 million American homeowners who, statistically, would like to update their kitchens.

And this disturbing trend doesn’t appear to be going away. American Bourgeois magazine reported a dizzying 37 “hot new kitchen styles” in their January 2022 issue. Sandra Ivers, author, asked in the featured article, “In a time of abounding options, why settle for the passé?”

A question for which Sheryl Carter has a quick answer.

“We got some bids on the remodel and took out a home equity loan,” Carter said. “We’re tired of settling.”